


I've Been So Into Your Mystery (Is It Because Of Our History?)

by ghostlygone



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Brainwashing, Bucky Barnes's Trigger Words, F/M, Hydra (Marvel), Identity Reveal, Past, Past Brainwashing, Past Relationship(s), Red Room (Marvel), Reveal, Secret Relationship, Secrets, Trigger Noises, Trigger words
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-18
Updated: 2020-02-18
Packaged: 2021-02-28 02:40:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22586506
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ghostlygone/pseuds/ghostlygone
Summary: They stare at each other, frozen in time, and in the back of her mind she almost laughs. They don't know how much the other remembers and they can feel their hearts both break and heal at the same time.They're frozen for a moment, or two, or three. She sees the glass fall almost in slow motion. There's the sound of cracking glass, and Natasha almost panics. She knows the urgency needed and she doesn't know if she can manage it. Not here, not now.Or, the Winter Soldier is finally - almost - back to himself, and meets his lover for the first time in over twenty yearsOr, Natasha and Bucky meet again, in front of the Avengers this time
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes & Steve Rogers, James "Bucky" Barnes/Natasha Romanov, Wanda Maximoff & Natasha Romanov
Comments: 21
Kudos: 184





	I've Been So Into Your Mystery (Is It Because Of Our History?)

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry for any mistakes you find, I think I skimmed over each section once or twice, so it probably won't flow too well. Hope you enjoy!

It is 1920 when The Red Room gets what will eventually be their most precious asset. A two year old girl, Наталья Романова. Natalia Romanova. She is placed in the care of the woman who, she is told, is called Мама. Everyday, she, along with the other forty nine girls who she lives with, are taken to a room. There, they learn to dance. They are fed and looked after, taught and helped to be better than best. It is nice, and it is her home.

It is 1923 when Natalia first handles a weapon. They go into the room, ready to do pirouettes and brisés, and instead are handed knives and daggers. By the end of the week, all fifty girls can do basic fighting. By the end of the year, the girls can kill someone in at least twenty different ways.

It is 1925 when their routine changes. They are led back to their room in silence, where they change and stand and the end of their beds, waiting for Мама's permission. Instead, Мама's assistants come round. One by one, they handcuff the dominant hand of each girl to the bed frame. The handcuffs scrape their skin, cutting their wrists deeply, so they're sleeping in their own blood. At the end of every month, those that have bleeding wrists are gone. That year, they lose nineteen girls.

By 1934, there are only fourteen girls left in Natalia's group, known to the rest of The Red Room as Gen #48. They are the best of the best, taught in at least ten languages, able to fight in various styles and are all experts in every weapon available to them. Natalia is the best of them all, able to take down every agent she has fought.

They are told what they are here for on День Гидры, the only day a year that they don't train. They are told they are here to become the very best that they can be, to make the world a better place. They explain that the best way for the world to be at peace is to have one organisation in control. They lay out the reasoning and points, as if they need to be convinced. None of them do. This is their home, their team. 

There are five things Natalia Romanova knows at age sixteen. One, do not, under any circumstance, trust anyone. Don't trust friends, family, strangers. Anyone can betray you for any reason, whether they want to or not, though they probably would be willing, depending in the circumstance. Two, it doesn't matter who is at the other end of her weapon, they are against her, and need to be stopped. Three, if you are good enough, if you are the best, you will be rewarded. It had happened only once before, and it made Aleksandra Kozlov the most feared assassin during the First World War. Everyone wanted it, and went to extreme lengths to get it. Natalia needed it.

Four, don't make mistakes. If you make any mistakes, you die. She had seen plenty of others die for something as simple as leaving their knife behind, or telling someone their birth name. Most die by the hands of Мама. It is fair and just, the right way to punish mistakes. Fifth and finally, she is not Natalia Romanova. She is whoever she needs to be at any given moment. She is Nyasia Rosario when she wakes up, she is Katerina Vinogradov when she eats breakfast, she is Sasha Kuznetsov when she is shooting targets, she is Nastasia Vasilyev as she dances for the next generation of the Red Room, she is Aleandra Zaytsev as she fights Agent Petrov.

In 1935, on their seventeenth birthday, the Red Room graduates. Мама gave them the same birthday - she didn't have the time to deal with birthdays and parties and all that, and so they all graduate together. They are told to each kill an innocent. Those that don't are killed. Those that do are sterilized and given their own missions. They are sterilized because they will never have children, will never be allowed to, not in this line of work. Children take your focus, they take you focus and place it on themselves, so you lose track of the mission and make mistakes. And the one thing you never do is make a mistake. As Natalia is taken to the medical wing, she wonders if she would ever want a lover. She doesn't think so. She doesn't see the attraction to giving your body, your whole being, to somebody else, for them to have control over.

Her first mission is to take down a defected scientist, Yakim Hunter. She does it with ease, and arrives back to the remaining members of the Red Room. There are only six left.

In 1936, the Red Room give her to Hydra. They are too busy training the next generations, and Hydra needs more Agents for the war on the horizon. She trains harder than ever, determined to be better than best, and is almost always on missions, killing those who Hydra don't need, and kidnapping and recruiting those who they do.

In 1942, rumours start spreading about the American soldier Hydra have. Natalia dismisses them, Hydra is built of lies, and if anybody actually trusted anyone else, it wouldn't be Hydra. She also learns of 'Captain America'. He is supposed to be enhanced and the future of American soldiers, but the couple of times she sees him on the television - not that she was meant to, he looks unbelievably weak. He looks too kind and trusting, so she knows he will go down easily when he inevitably goes down.

At the end of 1942, she is taken to Johann Schmidt, who gives her a secret mission. He takes her to a room, where a man lies, hooked up to machines. She is told he is the future of Hydra. And that she is to train him. Any mistakes, they both die. Flawless, and they will both be rewarded.

* * *

_Natalia sits by his side, for the sixth day, throwing her personal knives at the wall opposite. She listens to his breathing as she throws, listening to the small intakes of breath, then throwing on the outtake. She doesn't miss the bullseye once, hasn't missed the bullseye since she was nine and naïve. She hears when he wakes up, the slight speeding up of his breaths as he opens his eyes and sits up. She doesn't acknowledge his waking, instead continuing to throw her knives. She knows he'll need a second to get familiar with his surroundings._

_"Where am I?" She goes to collect her knives before sitting back in her chair._

_"Гидра. ~~Hydra.~~ You are safe." She plays with her knives, idly wondering if he could figure it out from the small clues. The Russian she speaks, the accent she puts on, the Russian written around the room, the map on the wall with Russia the only coloured country, the small 'Made in Russia' stamped on everything._

_"Where?" He doesn't figure it out. He will have to be taught to be observant, she notices. Like she notices the metal left arm. Like she notices the American accent and the innocent eyes. He hasn't seen too much death, then. That will change soon._

_"Russia." He looks at her, wide eyed, and she feels the need to smile softly. She doesn't, that would be unprofessional, against the Red Room conduct, but the feeling's there and she doesn't like it. And therefore doesn't like him all too much._

_"Who are you?" She sighs. She hasn't been told what name to give him. It doesn't matter, she'll use the Trust Scale. The Trust Scale is a scale she was taught by Мама at age seventeen, after her first mission. Certain trust levels get certain amounts of information. Only Level one got the truth._

_"Anastasia." The lowest level of trust. Not that she had given any other name to anybody, unless it was assigned to her._

_"Come." She walks out the door and into the hall with her usual confidence, expecting him to follow. He does. As they walk, they see all the Agents coming back from missions, covered in blood and snow, carrying huge weapons. The man eyes the weapons with curiosity._

_"What happened to them?"_

_"Nothing."_

_"Why are they covered in blood then?" It seems like she's been assigned a talker. It will change soon enough, with the harsh training methods._

_"Something happened. To the other person." He seems to get it, probably because Agent Volkov walks by with a knife covered in blood, winking at her. She glares back at him, and he shrinks away. They continue to Natalia's room, passing some of the other old Red Room girls, who each acknowledge her with a nod, to which she nods back. It is almost a custom._

_They reach her room, and she lets him enter first, taking note of the extra bed placed next to hers. It is obviously for the man, and she almost wants to complain. She doesn't, would never. Instead, she closes the door, listening closely for the automatic lock. The doors all locked, once you were in, you were in until your department leader unlocked them. It was for safety, they said. They all knew better, though. It was to make sure they couldn't get out, they couldn't escape or try and attack everyone else. She sits on her bed, staring at the handcuff she had strapped to her bed. It's a habit now, sleeping with it. She could sleep without it but something always felt off. The man walks around the small room, exploring the space._

_"Why am I here?" She hesitates. She doesn't know._

_"It doesn't matter." Rule #184, don't let them know how much you don't know. She pulls out a pad of paper from the drawer by her bed. Placing it next to her, she pats the other bed._

_"Sit." He sits and stares at her, waiting._

_"We can't leave until you can speak русский ~~Russian~~."_

_"Why not?_

_"Because. Let's begin."_

* * *

In 1944, two assassins joined the war on the Soviet Union's side. The Soldier and The Widow. 

By the end of the war, the world was talking about Captain America. But there were two spies that were talked about almost as much. The Soldier and The Widow, and how they helped win the war. How they infiltrated the Nazi's. How they killed Hitler, and the suicide was a cover up. Understandably, Schmidt was annoyed. If the opposition caught wind of the two, they would start digging, and would find out that Hydra survived. That they survived the attacks by Captain America, the supposedly 'hero' of America.

And so he offered a reward to The Soldier and The Widow. He would reward them for being good enough, for being the best. He told them exactly what it meant, every last detail. They thought it over, and they agreed. And so, Natalia Romanov and James Barnes became the second and third people to receive the reward for being better than the best of the best, after Aleksandra Kozlov.

On 28th August 1946, The Soldier and The Widow were found, dead, in the middle of a destroyed Hydra base. All living beings had fled. An official statement was released that September, that they had been sent on a mission to take down the last remaining Nazi base, and had unfortunately not managed to get out fast enough once they had placed the bomb. The world mourned for a week.

* * *

 _"Борьба сильнее! ~~Fight harder!~~_ " _She yells at him, watching as he struggles to throw her off his back._

_"Я стараюсь! ~~I'm trying!~~ " He is fluent, had picked it up easily. He eventually gets up, throwing her backwards as he loosens her hold. As she gets to her feet, he wipes his face with his shirt. She takes the opportunity to whack him in the stomach with her staff. He doubles over in surprise._

_"уёбка ~~Fucker~~." She just looks at him expectantly. Groaning, he straightens up and gets ready to start fighting again. As soon as he is ready, she sprints at him, jumping so her legs are around his neck. Using her weight and the force of her run up, she swings around his neck, forcing him down to the ground. Once he's down, she twists his arm back, bending it until he taps out, groaning._

_"You need to focus more." She glances over to him, watches him get his water._

_"I know, Natalya. I know." He was on level five. Out of ten, ten being the one she trusts the least, one being the one she trusts the most. It was the lowest anyone had been. People only ever got to level seven. Hydra and the Red Room didn't count, they knew everything about her. Things she didn't know herself, like who her parents were, what her birth name was and when her birthday is. Not that they would ever tell her. Or that they used the name they gave her. Natalia Alianovna Romanova. She could count the times someone called her by that name on one hand. It was always Romanov this, Romanov that._

_She sips her water, watching as he goes through the warm up again, getting ready for their next round. He's a nice guy, she supposes. Just not exactly made for being an assassin. But she could train him. She would train him, if it was the last thing she did._

* * *

In 1963, John F. Kennedy was killed by a trained assassin. Nobody found out who did it, although most blamed Lee Oswald, for various reasons and evidence pointing towards him. However, people who were there swore that they saw two people, a man and woman. The woman supposedly red headed, the man with long brown hair. Everyone else dismissed it as them being delusional from the shock. Later that month, two bodies fitting the description showed up, dead, in the building the shot was meant to have come from. They were killed by a gas leak, two days before someone discovered them.

In 1972, The Redback Spider became the most feared assassin in the industry. Known for being thorough and never missing, she was the one name the world feared, despite the fact she appeared from nowhere sometime in October and only killed very few. There were rumours of her working with a man, who some recognised but people could never place. Over the next three years, The Redback Spider made quite a reputation. She killed those who tried to stop her, and those who were 'chosen' for whatever reason. Just as SHIELD began to see her as a threat, her body was found, lying dead, in a building. Shot through the heart, a body lying next to her. Both had guns, and had fallen as if they had shot each other. Everyone felt just that little bit safer from then on.

* * *

_They sit on their own beds, watching each other. Natalia is still wondering what he would have done if Schmidt hadn't come in. What would have happened._

_"Ты в порядке? ~~Are you okay?~~ " He leans forward, his hair hanging in his face. He had grown it out after he arrived. _

_"Все нормально. А Вы? ~~I'm fine. Are you?~~ " She wants to know how he feels about it. Whether he meant to do it or not. _

_"Я в порядке. ~~I'm okay.~~ " They sit in silence, watching each other cautiously. She hugs herself, wrapping her arms around her chest and watching his eyes. He still had traitorous eyes after a year of training. They would be gone soon enough. Their next mission was bigger._

_The knock on the door makes them both jump, but they follow the unsaid order. Get Ready to sleep. They both lay down, getting comfortable, before they simultaneously reach up to handcuff their hand to the bed. The clicks are the only sound, and they seem to echo around the room as the light flickers out. It's silent for a while, long enough that Natalia would think that he had gone to sleep, had she not been able to hear him breathing. She was familiar with the way he breathed now. How his breath sped up as he fought. How it slowed when he was lining up a shot. How it hitched when they were close enough that they could almost-_

_She wasn't going to think about that. She wasn't going to think about earlier._

_"Что ты собиралась делать? ~~What were you going to do?~~ " She was going to think about it. _

_"Что ты имеешь в виду? ~~What do you mean?~~ " He sounds nervous._

_"Ранее. Что ты собиралась делать? ~~Earlier. What were you going to do?~~ " It's silent. _

_"I don't know." She notices how he speaks the words in English, like he had thought it over and figured it was important enough to say in English. She can hear the truth in the words, and almost reprimands him for breaking Rule #184, but she wanted to know and so she allows it. Just this once._

* * *

In 1985, The Widow became the most wanted spy, along with the assassin, Winter. Said to be trained by The Redback Spider herself, the two rose fast in the ranks of Spies and Assassins. SHIELD often sent spies to take places down, only to find them already gone, disappeared off the face of the earth. Assassins were hired to kill arch enemies, only for the assassin to learn that they died the day before in mysterious circumstances.

Those who remembered the brief period after the war insisted the two were the children of the original Winter and Widow. In 1987, two bodies were found locked in a storage closet in the Military Base SHIELD were sent to take down. After that, The Widow and Winter were never heard of again. Rumours said they were caught by a Janitor, who accidently killed them and stuffed them in a storage closet to cover up.

In 1997, The Winter Soldier emerges, along with The White Widow. The world is warned of them after a massacre in Algeria makes the news. S.H.E.I.L.D., feeling responsible for keeping civilians safe, begin to look into the two, but before they can, their bodies are found in a collapsed building in Congo, when volunteers were clearing up the rubble from the First Congo War.

* * *

_She watches as he paces the room, trying to work out the best way to take the SHIELD base down. Anyone could tell he wasn't raised by the Red Room, he moves around and talks too much. She sits in her chair, as silent and still as possible._

_"Остановить. ~~Stop.~~ " He turns to face her, watching her with wide eyes. He had lost the traitorous eyes, instead, to everyone else, his eyes were a mystery. She could tell that even Schmidt couldn't see anything in them but obedience, despite the fact that Natalia could read them like an open book. _

_"Сидеть. ~~Sit.~~ " She looks pointedly at the space on the bed, the spot closest to her. He sits, doing what she says, as always. They sit in silence for a couple of minutes, before he gets restless and begins to fidget. She glares at him and he stops. When he successfully sits still for ten minutes straight, she lets up the glare and stands up. Walking over to him, she takes his fidgeting hands in hers and kisses the knuckles softly._

_"Остаться. ~~Stay.~~ " He understands immediately. They know each other well, well enough that they can communicate with a single look. She walks over to their bags and takes out a book, the only one she was allowed. He lays down on the bed, and she sits next to him, leaning back against the headboard._

_"Давным-давно в маленьком сибирском селе был старый овдовевший охотник... A long time ago in a small Siberian village, there was an old widowed hunter..."_

_She is halfway through when his head falls into lap, like it usually does, and she begins to stroke her hand through his hair. It is long now, just brushing his shoulders, and she likes it. Not that she would ever tell anyone._

_"Thank you, Natasha." Level three, and dropping rapidly. It scared her how easily she was giving her trust to this man she had only known for a couple of years. Sometimes she wondered what would happen if she strangled him in his sleep. She would undoubtedly be killed by Schmidt, but it would give her relief from this weird feeling everytime she looked at him._

* * *

In 2001, a wedding is officiated by Jacob Gibson. He is sworn to secrecy, on penalty of death. There is no record of the marriage, other than a certificate that is given to the married couple. A year later he is found, dead, in his house, both his wife and children nowhere to be found. SHIELD investigates the case for almost a year, before giving up due to the lack of evidence.

In 2006, The Black Widow came from nowhere. She was noted to be the most ruthless of the assassins and a trained spy who could infiltrate anything. SHIELD, as usual, took her to be a threat, and managed to track her down. Agent Barton, Clint to those few personal people, shot her with an arrow, surprising both of them. Instead of running, Black Widow just broke the arrow off before turning to face him. He offered her a job, before leaving her. Later that year, she became Agent Natasha Romanov, a spy for SHIELD.

In 2009, Natalia was given the mission to safely escort a nuclear engineer out of Iran. Somebody shot her tires, and the car went over the cliff. She managed to get both the engineer and herself out. She was met with the Winter Soldier, who shot her straight through the stomach, the bullet killing the engineer. She would never forget the unfamiliar anger in his eyes and the way he flinched when she said his name. She looked for him once she recovered, but was met with only loose ends.

By 2012, she was an official Avenger, working along side Captain America, Iron Man and the Hulk, all of which she hated before she began to work with SHIELD.

In 2018, Steve Rogers, Clint Barton and Sam Wilson disappear for a year.

* * *

Natasha walks into her room, picking up her blanket and pillow, ignoring the handcuffs on the bed frame. She already finds it hard to sleep, no use making it harder by not having them. She walks back into the living room, making sure to close her door. She trusts the Avengers, but not enough to let them know about her sleeping habits - the handcuffs, the knives and guns hidden around the room, the wristband that shocks her lightly every time someone touches her door.

She sits on her chair, curled up under her blanket and hugging her special pillow. Her eyelids drooping, she fights to keep them open - she hadn't slept in at least thirty six hours thanks to her returning memories. Sam passes her a bowl of popcorn, along with her usual hot chocolate. She hadn't been able to sleep properly since she had left Hydra, since she had left him, behind. The Avengers were having a movie night, and a big 'casual' dinner for Steve, Sam and Clint, who had been away on a special mission for the last four months. She had been working closely with them all, non stop, for almost sixteen years, and they still didn't know her actual name. Or, come to think about it, much about her history. All they know is she grew up in the Red Room.

Sometimes, on her really good days, she thinks about telling them everything.

From the whole long-life thing to Hydra to him. But then she thinks about what she remembers, of the huge gaps in her memory from where Hydra had wiped certain moments from her mind. Her... friends, dare she say it, would want answers, would want to know how and why and who and what and she wouldn't be able to tell them. She can barely put the ones she _knows_ are hers in chronological order, never mind trying to figure out what's real and what's fake and where they fit in her century-long life.

On her bad days, she lies in bed until she physically can't stay still any longer. Then she goes to the Avengers kitchen and bakes cookies until her hands hurt and she can't stand up. And so she sits at the kitchen counter and stares at the cookies, remembering the way he would inhale them, one after the other, like there was no tomorrow. She misses him every day. Every single day. Most days it's bearable, just the shadow of him in the corner of her eye. But some days it's impossible. Sometimes it gets to the point she is seeing him across the room from her and calling out his name when she is trying to get someone else. 

She curls up tighter, feeling that familiar pain creeping into her chest. Natasha focuses her eyes on the screen, trying as hard as possible to watch it, but she has that feeling again. The one she always gets when he is near, the... thing, threatening to consume her. Closing her eyes in pain - of the few memories she could still recall after all the mind wiping, she ignores the fact that she is letting those three or four tears out, however silently, in front of all these people. The pain loosens up, the feeling fading, and she opens her eyes again, trying to ignore the last five minutes. 

Just as she gets into the movie, the elevator opens and Clint, Sam and Steve walk out.

"Thank god! You've been gone ages!" She knows she needs to keep up the act that she is fine, however much it hurts. Clint grins widely at her, arms out and ready. She leaps over the back of her chair, hoping nobody notices the wince, and runs into his arms. He's the closest thing she's ever had to a family member, and the only Avenger she regularly shows affection for.

"How's my little sister doing today?" He ruffles her hair as she pulls back, glaring the slightest bit. She would pout if she was that kind of person. Everyone knows she's putting on the act.

"Excuse you! It's big sister for adopted assholes." Clint glares at her. She constantly feels bad for not telling him anything - her age, her past. 

"Who's the adopted asshole? Cause it sure as hell ain't me." They glare at each other for a moment, only to stop when Steve awkwardly clears his throat.

"Um...Guys?" Everyone turns to him, and he blushes slightly, still not used to the attention. 

"We got him." The mission had been top secret, the only thing the other Avengers had been allowed to know was that Clint, Steve and Sam had gone looking for someone. Steve and Sam step aside, revealing the person to everybody. He stands in the lift, looking relaxed but everyone can tell he is wary. With his eyes darting about the place, he looks like a caged animal.

Once she catches sight of him, she freezes. The rest of them are standing behind her, and so everybody notices. They turn to look at her, knowing she is rarely surprised.

"Джеймс... _James..._ " She breathes, letting out this one slip up out because he was here. He. Was. Here. It hits her then, that he's here. And she steps forward cautiously, warily. Hydra was known for wiping memories, and she doesn't think she can deal with another James that doesn't know her. He looks up when she says his name. She knows she is the only one who has ever called him that, just like he is the only one who has ever called her Natalia.

"Наталья? _Natalia?_ " His gaze is incredulous. He hadn't expected to see her again. On the days she remembers how she left, she wishes he could've come with her, that she could've somehow found him and woken him and taken him with her. They stare at each other, frozen in time, and in the back of her mind she almost laughs. They don't know how much the other remembers and they can feel their hearts both break and heal at the same time. It's silent for a moment or two or three, but it's soon broken. She sees the glass fall from Pepper's hand out of the corner of her eye, the action almost in slow motion. There's the sound of cracking glass, and Natasha almost panics. She knows the urgency needed and she doesn't know if she can manage it. Not here, not now.

Spinning to face Steve she manages to get out a question.

"Активны ли его триггерные слова?! _Are his trigger words active?!_ " It's only when Steve looks blankly at her that she realises she spoke in Russian.

"Are his trigger words active?" He frowns, and out the corner of her eyes she sees James crouching on the floor, cradling his head in his hands.

"No, we managed to get them out. How did you even know-?" Before he finishes, Natasha is already pushing him back, raising her voice - only slightly, Natasha doesn't shout - at them all.

"Get back!" When they don't move, instead staring at something behind her, she grits her teeth and turns to face James, already knowing what to expect. He is on his feet again, face blank and emotionless, already fisting his metal hand and rolling his shoulders. He begins to walk forward, towards the group, but his step falters when he catches her eye. She doesn't want to do it, but she knows it's the only way. Standing tall and confident, she walks until she's standing right in front of him, face harsh and set.

"Солдат! Освободите место. _Soldier! Stand down._ " She barks it out in that tone that they both hate, the one that their handlers used when giving them their orders. In the days after they realised how evil Hydra actually was, the days after they were... she wants to say caught but she can't remember it clearly, and it doesn't seem right to call it that.

James stops, standing to attention.

"Ready to comply." She can hear the whispers and the gasps from behind her, but right now she has a job to do.

"Get anything glass off of this floor. Put it in Tony's lab or something." She hisses it at the others out the corner of her mouth, never once glancing away from him, knowing what would happen if she did. Nobody moves, too busy staring between her and James. "Now!" It seems to break them from their trance-like state, and soon the floor is filled with the sounds of people bustling around and the clinking of glass on glass. She straightens her back, making sure her face is as blank as possible, switching from Natasha to Natalia effortlessly.

"Следуй за мной, Солдат! _Follow me, Soldier!_ " She spins round, keeping her balance easily, and makes her way down the hallway, leading him to her bedroom. It's the only place in the tower that is Winter Soldier- and Black Widow-Safe. There is no glass, despite the fact it only triggers him now, not her (at least, not anymore), and absolutely no sign of anything that could make a noise louder than a normal footstep. 

"Sit." He sits and she crouches in front of him, looking into his eyes. She can see him, the real him, trying to take control from Hydra.

"Я здесь. Все в порядке. Мне плевать, что ты убила. Все будет хорошо. Я буду здесь все, что вам нужно сделать. Я здесь. Я так сильно тебя люблю. Все в порядке. Ты ничего не мог сделать, чтобы заставить меня ненавидеть тебя. Я здесь." She whispers it softly, letting him take it in, register it, so he can fight this. Because The Winter Soldier doesn't know how to react to kindness and comfort and love, however it comes, in whatever form. But James can. James can take control, because he knows what love is, what comfort and kindness and mercy is. He can overcome the Winter Soldier, like she did with The Black Widow. And The Redback Spider, and The Widow and The White Widow. Like he did with The Soldier and Winter. They exist in their own little bubble for a moment or two, just letting her words wash over them. And she can see him fighting it, fighting the Winter Soldier. 

There's a minute or two where he hangs his head, shaking the slightest bit, and she can almost sense that James is almost back. It takes another ten minutes of her whispering and him watching her for him to fully come back, for him to relax and lose the blank face. When his eyes clear, he looks at her even more intensely.

"Наталья... _Natalia..._ " The bubble is broken with the knock on the door a minute later, and she feels her bracelet shock her. They both jump the slightest bit, and his face hardens almost instantly, but before he can move she is pressing something into his hands. It's a pair of earbuds, specially made for super soldiers. She knows how they both react to loud noises, and so she had had Tony make her a couple of pairs. He hadn't asked why, but she assumed he thought she was asking for Steve.

She waits for him to put them in before she opens the door. She opens it a crack, just wide enough to see who's on the other side. It's Steve, and he looks nervous. Natalia closes the door and walks back over to James.

"Я буду всего несколько секунд. Вы можете изменить громкость наушников, хорошо? _I'll only be a few moments. You can change the volume of the earbuds, okay?_ " She says it lowly, her voice as comforting as possible. "Выходи, когда захочешь. _Come out whenever you want._ " She glances back at James for a second before stepping out and closing the door behind her. Switching from Natalia to Natasha, she turns to Steve.

"We've moved the glass to Bruce's lab, he said he'll be able to work somewhere else."

"Okay." They look at each other for a second, in the darkness of the corridor before he glances at the door and back to her.

"Is he alright?" She sighs.

"He'll be fine." 

"What happened back there?" Natasha pauses. She doesn't know if he wants to tell them.

"The glass triggered him." She's hesitant, still not sure how much she wants to reveal. "It reminds him of the cryostasis chamber." Steve looks at her for a minute, surprise spreading across his face.

"How did you-?" He's interrupted - once again - by Natasha's door opening. James is standing just inside the room, looking more timid than she had ever seen him. He looks tired, his knees weak. Almost instantaneously she's at his side, under his arm, and has swapped back to being Natalia.

"Тебе нужно отдохнуть, Джеймс. _You need to rest, James._ " She can feel him breathe, and it comforts her, knowing that his breathing hasn't changed in the decade she hasn't seen him. He struggles weakly against her grip, trying to stand up by himself.

"Мне нужно увидеть тебя и Стива. _I need to see you and Steve._ " She knows it's no good fighting, and so she helps him down the hall, nodding at Steve to follow them. 

She knows a bit about James' life before Hydra. He didn't remember much, only that he had a best friend - Steve Rogers - and that nobody called him James, although he couldn't remember what they did call him. She knows that Steve knows nothing about her, or their past, and she also knows that she has to tell him at least some of it, or it won't make sense. Whether the part about her working for Hydra, her age, her many, many lives or just about James, she doesn't know. Natalia wishes it could be none.

They join the others, who are sitting in the living room, waiting for them. She lets James choose where to sit - in the chair in the corner - before sitting on the floor, leaning against his legs. Steve sits in one of the other spare seats, next to Sam. She supposes the space next to Clint was for her, but she can tell by the way James is touching her hair that he doesn't want her away from his side.

It's silent for a minute or two, everybody staring at either James or her, the conversation having faded out when they entered. Natalia just stares back, unconcerned, while James looks almost like he's trying to curl in on himself. She knows he hasn't had this many people looking at him since 1987, when the two of them were told to train the next Black Widows. 

"Alright. Want to explain what's going on?" It's Clint and she is honestly thinking about giving him something, a gift, even though she probably never will. She glances up at James, who gives the barest hint of nod.

"He got triggered by the breaking glass." Everyone glances at each other warily, a few whispering for a second before the attention is turned back on the two of them.

"I thought his triggers were gone?" It's Sam, and he looks so genuinely confused a normal person would probably feel sorry for him.

"The trigger words are gone. Because they were implanted by Hydra, they can be removed. However sounds, smells, touches and even tastes can't be removed so easily." She looks back up at James, and sees him smiling softly at her. The others whisper amongst themselves for a couple of minutes before Wanda speaks up.

"How did you know what to do?" This is the part she wanted to avoid. Natalia may be able to do this, but to them she has always, and probably always will be, Natasha. She feels James moving before there's a breath blowing across her ear and a sentence whispered to her.

"Вы не должны говорить им, если вы не хотите. _You don't have to tell them if you don't want to._ " She doesn't really, but the way James can still read and understand her comforts her more than she would have originally thought.

"It's a long story, and I don't remember too much of it." They look at her expectantly and Tony speaks up, his arm wrapped around Pepper's shoulders.

"We have time." She takes a breath or two, and becomes Natalia, trying to bring up those memories from eighty years ago.

"I'm not as young as you think I am." At that there are a couple exclamations of 'what!' and 'of course, you're a spy, why would you tell us?!'. "I was born in 1918, probably around February although no one knows exactly when." Steve interrupts then.

"But that would make you-" She interrupts him.

"A couple of months older than you and a year younger than Джеймс here, I know." They settle down, Steve still looking confused.

"I don't know much about my time there, but I was taken in by the Red Room, probably when I was a toddler. There were fifty girls in my group. We were taught to dance, to keep up the cover. The Red Room was supposed to be a selective ballet school, instead they were trying to create weapons out of girls. I think we were down to fourteen of us by the time we were sixteen. The remaining girls graduated when we turned seventeen. We were told to kill an innocent. Those that didn't were killed." That gets a small gasp out of Pepper, the rest just look horrified. 

"I was eighteen when they gave me to Hydra. I worked as an assassin and spy for them until 1942, when I was assigned a secret mission." She looks up at James. "I was to train Джеймс to become as good as me, possibly even better if I could manage it. We were threatened by death if he didn't learn quickly enough. I managed to get him up to standard in a year or so of all-day all-night training." She looks up for confirmation, he nods. "We were sent on our first joint mission in 1944. I don't remember it, but we must have done well or we wouldn't be here. The next thing I properly remember is when the war was over. Everybody had heard of us, we were known as The Soldier and The Widow, and I think Schmidt was worried that SHIELD would try and find us." Steve starts.

"I think I heard of you! You guys blew up that SHIELD facility in Austria didn't you?" Natalia sighs. She doesn't remember that, but it probably was.

"Yes." James answers for her, leaning over her, and undoing her hair tie, his own hair hanging in his face, as everyone turns to look at him. It probably looks like he's trying to avoid eye contact with the others, but she knows that he's just a bit overwhelmed.

"Like he said, yes. I don't remember it, but if something big happened it was usually us. Because we were the best Hydra had, and SHIELD was trying to track us down, Schmidt offered us a reward. Now, just before I say anything else, you need to know some things. First of all, neither of us were brainwashed at the time. I knew nothing of life past the Red Room and Hydra, and Джеймс's memories were locked away.

"Somehow Hydra had managed to repress them so he couldn't access them at the time. There was also a rumour that went round both Hydra and the Red Room. There was a girl back in 1903, her name was Aleksandra Kozlov and she was the most valuable asset for the German army during World War I. It was said that, because she was the best Widow of the Red Room, she was rewarded by Hydra and made stronger, better, almost immortal. You three can probably guess what happened to her." She looks over at the three who got James.

"We were offered that, to escape SHIELD, make us better and keep us alive for longer. They told us what would happen, but they didn't tell us how much it would hurt. We were injected with a version of the Super Soldier Serum they gave to you," a nod to Steve. "And then they put us both in Cryostasis Chambers. We came out about every 10 years, maybe?." She looks up at James, who is doing that hairstyle he learned years ago, the one he said made her look even more beautiful. Looking at him, with his face so focused and the feeling of his hands professionally doing her hair, she remembers why she loved him, why she loves him. He nods at her, and she remembers that she is supposed to be talking.

"I can barely remember it but I'm pretty sure that every time we came out, we became pretty famous. I think I was known as The Redback Spider for a while, along with the White Widow. And I think you," She looks at James. "I think you were Winter for a while, as well." He nods distractedly, turning her head back so he can concentrate on her hair. She looks at the rest of them. Takes in their shocked faces and the way they're all so carelessly draped about on one another. She doesn't remember a time she was ever that comfortable with anyone but James.

"The clearest memory I have that I know is mine is-" She pauses. She doesn't even know if he remembers it, let alone if he wants to tell anyone. Shaking her head slightly - the movement getting a low growl from James - she focuses back on the Avengers.

"Если вы понимаете, русский поднять руку. _If you understand Russian, raise your hand._ " She waits, but nobody does except James, which gets some weird looks from the others.

"Хорошо. Вы помните лето 2001 года? _Okay. Do you remember summer 2001?_ " He looks confused for a second before he realises.

"Да. У нас есть- _Yes. We got-_ " He stops, his mouth in the oh of surprise, and she nods, her lips twitching up slightly. He smiles back and it's almost if they're back there, in that room. The room with the big glass windows and the sea view and the sun rising in the distance and the smell of... hope in the air. The room where it happened.

They're interrupted by Tony coughing loudly.

"I believe you were telling us something..." She glares at him, watching as he shrinks away, before turning to the rest of the room.

"When we came out of cryostasis in 1985, we were on a mission for longer than we were supposed to be. It meant that they couldn't renew the lock on the memories we had. We noticed how they seemed to be controlling us, almost, and managed to escape them. It only took a month or so for them to find us, though. We were in the middle of Russia, there were no people for miles. They took us back and wiped our memories along with implanting our 'Trigger Words'. We probably went on a few more missions in the years after. I don't remember.

"Then, in 2006, I was taken out of cryostasis. I woke up in an empty Hydra base, and I couldn't find anyone else anywhere, let alone Джеймс. I managed to escape to America, where I became an assassin for a while, before Clint here," A glare towards Clint. "Decided to shoot me with an arrow. You guys know the rest." There's silence for a moment before Tony gets up, looking slightly unbalanced.

"More drinks anyone?" There's a chorus of 'yes' from everybody but the two Russians. As everybody thinks over what has been revealed, James finishes up her hair, and she moves her head around to test it.

"Perfect." She turns to James and smiles softly, before leaning up and kissing his cheek. He blushes ever so slightly, and she moves to sit on the arm of his chair, leaning back onto his shoulder. She can see Steve and Sam whispering out the corner of her eye, but she ignores it, instead deciding to watch James. She hasn't seen him since 2002, and it shows. He haa a new scar, one that runs across his cheekbone, stopping just before it gets to his ear. And his eyes, they look slightly duller, ever so slightly sadder. Natalia leans over and whispers in his ear, making sure no one can hear her.

"Улыбнись, Любовь. Ты выглядишь грустным. _Smile, love. You look sad._ " He turns his head towards her, just enough that he can lock eyes with her. James smiles softly, and turns back, watching Thor play with Mjolnir. She can tell he's wondering if he can lift it, what with his metal arm. 

It's been mostly silent for the better part of an hour when Bruce puts down his glass, clearing his throat quietly. Not who she expected to speak first, but it kind of makes sense. 

"Can I look at your arm?" It's shy and muttered and paired with him pushing up his glasses. Bruce is fidgeting with his hands, but his shoulders are pushed back and he's sitting up straight. She knows James is shocked, but he nods, standing up and walking over to the scientist, lifting her out of her place and placing her on the seat of the chair once he's up. From the expressions everyone is wearing, she can tell they're expecting her to kill him any second, for touching her, for messing with her hair, for calling her something other than Natasha, and the occasional Tasha. Even with their past and shared trauma and torture, they think she doesn't trust him completely. It's almost laughable. Almost, because it does sound like something she would do.

She sips on her hot chocolate as Bruce inspects the metal arm, how it's attached to the stump of the real arm. She can see the wonder and interest in his eyes, his face lighting up with awe. There's a muttered question, and James looks at her, questioning. She nods, and the two walk to Bruce's room. As soon as they are out of earshot, Steve sits forward, interrogation mode on.

"How well do you know him?" He fears for his old best friend. She can see it in his eyes, his face, his posture.

"Well. Very well. I know everything he knows." Steve's eyes widen faintly. "Just like he knows everything I know." He nods, but everybody else is too busy looking at her, incredulous. Natasha Romanov doesn't tell people about her. Not more than they need to know. It seems to satisfy Steve, though, and he leans back again, melting into the couch. It's silent for a while more, and then Wanda stands up.

"I'm going to bed, I'm going out with Peter tomorrow. See you in the morning." She hugs Clint and kisses Natasha's cheek, before washing up her glass and walking towards her room. Natasha lets herself smile behind her mug, knowing how much Peter means to his almost-sister. 

After that, everyone begins to make their way to bed, some sleepily and others wide awake, ready to just watch a movie in their room or read or draw. In the end, it's just her and Steve left, and she waits for him to say something. He had been bursting to say something for hours now.

"What does he mean to you?" Her lips twitch.

"A lot." Everything. But she still goes by the rules of The Red Room. Rule #64, Don't let people know your weaknesses. Rule #65, Don't let people know how much something means to you.

James walks into the room then. He stops by the door, head barely tilted down, but Natalia sees it. 

"Where do you want me to stay?" Steve looks between the two of them.

"Natasha?" She nods at her teammate.

"You can stay with me." James hesitates in the doorway.

"I'll be there in a second." She smiles softly, and he nods. Walking over, he kisses her on the lips for the first time in seventeen years. She loses herself in it for a split second, before he pulls away and pads out the door. She watches him go, the way his arm glints in the dim light and the swinging of his shoulder-length hair. She turns and sees Steve look at her questioningly, and she just shrugs, getting up and washing her glass before following her Husband.

**Author's Note:**

> So, this was meant to be short, and ended up being 8k words or so. Feel free to give any criticism, I probably did something wrong that I didn't notice. Hope you enjoyed!


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